Whether you’ve just dipped your toe into the long-distance relationship pool, or you’re currently trying to find ways to strengthen and prolong it, keep reading for tips from a real-life couple who is making it work one day at a time.
In the coming weeks we’ll be asking one half of a real-life couple to share his/her experience: What it takes to be in a long distance relationship, how they make it work as a couple and their long-term relationship goals.
This week we talk to Andrea Rosenfeld, an artist who’s been in a long-distance relationship for one and a half years. Rosenfeld and her significant other are both divorced, older (mid to upper 40′s) so they have “been there, done that” and both have children.
How many years have you been involved in a long distance relationship?
We are both in our late 40′s. He and I grew up together (middle school, high school and went to the same temple) but we weren’t friends – just knew of each other. We reconnected on Facebook last January and our first date was in March of that same year.
How often do you get to see each other face to face?
We try to see each other once a month for a weekend (Friday afternoon till Sunday afternoon) but it’s expensive so it’s more like every month-and-a-half or so. Luckily my parents are still in Michigan and I stay in their home so they sometimes will pay for me to fly home. Even when I go home for a week or more, I’m with my parents and family. So we see each other but it’s just snippets of time.
What are some ways you spend your time apart connecting?
I am VERY lucky that he is extremely communicative and caring. We do not Skype nor webcam (he wants to see me in person) but we do e-mail, text and talk on the phone quite a bit throughout each day. We say goodnight to each other every single night. We have a movie “date” every weekend. He sits at his computer and I sit at mine with our phones, wine and popcorn and we synch and watch a movie, “together”. However sometimes he’ll fall asleep and I won’t know! Ha!
We send images of our lunch or a book we bought. We will send videos of our children or an event we are attending. We work hard to include each other in our daily lives. We talk about our children and our businesses and the Tigers or the Red Wings. We connect by talking about places in Michigan or friends that we share. We share books that we’ve read and I’ve made jewelry for him (I’m a jewelry artist) and he’s gone as far as sending me a sweaty shirt that he just worked out in (yes I loved it!). We are both quirky.
The one thing that is VERY difficult is that we both have to be ON. There is no silence, holding hands or just being NEAR each other. We are always communicating and it can get exhausting.
Are you monogamous – and if so – how do you avoid temptation?
I am human so I notice a handsome man but I know who Phil is. We “get” each other and accept everything about one another. We are each other’s balance. He’s open minded and not defensive. He listens to me, remembers what I say, cares about my children (which is huge to me and he’s the only man I ever dated who actually asks about them). He respects me and puts me first, as I do for him (although our children are really first).
He shares my goals and he makes me laugh every single solitary day. He is generous with his time and loves to do little things for me. Neither of us are perfect, but I know that no matter what other men speak to me or try to date me, they will never be who Phil is to me right now. I know how hard it is to find someone who is this right and this wonderful and we are growing together, emotionally. That is very special.
What is your biggest piece of advice for couples entering into a long distance relationship?
Communicate as much as you both are comfortable doing and in different ways. Try to involve each other in your lives and don’t make the relationship about flirting and phone sex. If it’s a real relationship, it will be about connection and emotional growth. The physical intimacy will be so much better if you can truly be best friends first.
Being in a long distance relationship gives you the perfect opportunity to learn about the other person without the physical getting in the way. Another piece of advice is to really listen to the other person when they speak. You don’t have the visual cues to help you decipher their emotions. Put your wall down and listen to why they said what they did. Talk (that can be hard for men).
Do you have any plans to get married?
Ha! I do but he has been divorced for a shorter period of time than I have and he isn’t ready for that yet. I’m not rushing our relationship. I still have to move me and my children back home to Michigan, rent my own place and he and I have to date for real. We have to spend the normal amount of time together and make sure that our relationship can continue to grow and we don’t kill each other. Once we can do that, then we can move our families in together and then maybe he’ll be ready.
Basically, I told him that I want to get married again and if he doesn’t want to that I will marry someone else but I said it with a glimmer in my eye. He said that if he were to get married again, it would be to me. I’m comfortable with us and I know how much he loves me. We will cross that bridge when we come to it. It’s all a wonderful, exciting process. We have a long way to go and I want to enjoy every bit of it.
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